Pain

For the past two weeks I have been severely ill. Severe: "Very great; intense: Demanding great ability, skill, or resilience"



I choose this word very purposefully as it describes not only the level of physical challenges, but also best summarizes the spiritual/mental/emotional challenges that have been simultaneously presented to me these past few weeks. 


Through a series of complications post wisdom teeth extraction including the painful throbbing of dry socket, an infection and a mouth filled with canker soars, I experienced the most physically painful two weeks of my life. I was not expecting to be laid up in intense pain for two weeks and was utterly unprepared for the physical torture of tooth pain. As the weeks bled one into the other I was stunned that so many complications and conditions were possible, one right after the other. 


I want to take a moment to acknowledge the mental challenges of physical pain which are rarely discussed. Though I have experienced personally few extreme physical ailments, I have know many who have experienced both chronic and acute pain. I feel that it is common that we become so wrapped up in the physical descriptions and desires to impress with all of our "stories of survival" that we often exclude the mental mine field that accompanies this type of severe pain. 


My pain reached its peak in the Tuesday evening following the tooth extraction. As the pain slowly increased I began to lower my head and lay flat on the couch in our living room. I remember thinking, "here it comes... breathe". Then it happened. The pain took hold of my empty socket, my jaw, my head, my body, and finally my mind. I lay as still as possible as tears streamed down my face. 


The battle to comfort myself with some perspective was nearly impossible. The overwhelming fear that the pain might not subside or diminish was a thought too horrific to give merit to. It was hard to imagine in this moment what a painless reality felt like. 


I found it remarkably difficult to capture my thoughts under this sort of pain. Any seed of sadness or beginning of negativity took root and sprouted up to an actual fear much quicker than I would normally allow. This was very disconcerting. I quickly realized that physical pain is a gateway to emotional captivity. 


Fighting off fears was a battle I fought with great pride. In looking back, I think I did a decent job of it. As I began to actually heal I began to gain back ground and confidence. I started to feel in control briefly as one ailment began to come under the control of medicine and before the next reared it's ugly face. This pattern of "the next thing" was trying. I felt as though absolutely anything could go wrong. For about an hour on Wednesday I thought I might actually have cancer. Looking back this was not a realistic fear, but it felt real enough.


The healing was painful. As our physical bodies grow back together, are treated, and are put back into place, there is an increase of pain. This is the healing pain. It is actually a good pain, in that wellness cannot be achieved without it. But, at times this feeling can be worse that the original cause of the need to heal. Embracing that pain can be challenging. 


I am sure that I am grateful to have gained great empathy for all those who experience great physical pain. I also have a renewed understanding for the overwhelming effects of fear. In the end I overcame, and said no to the remarkable convenient and tempting victim mentality that faces us when we experience physical symptoms out of our control. This made the whole thing easier to overcome and prevented a greater emotional scar. 


This was a life lesson in resilience, overcoming, and capturing thoughts. Coming out on the other side of the pain I have a decreased fear of child birth, and I am excited that I no longer doubt my ability to cope with physical pain. If given the option I would choose physical agony over emotional. The battle feels less insurmountable and most people understand it. Which is less that I can say about emotional trials. 


Pain is a natural aspect of the human experience. It does cause one to go deeper and stretch further. The greatest weapon to one suffering from physical pain, is perspective: a kind reminder that 'this too shall pass'; a light at the end of the tunnel; hope for the future.